I’m Scared to Leave… But I’m Dying If I Stay : The Diary of an African Daughter

Hi Relaks,

I want to rant.

A long time ago, I read a line from Shakespeare that said, “To be or not to be.” At the time, it felt dramatic… almost exaggerated.

Now, I understand it.

Because I feel like I’m living that exact dilemma.

I’m a 21-year-old girl living with my parents in Nigeria, and I feel completely stuck. Like I’m trapped between two lives , the one I was raised to live and the one I actually want for myself.

I’m the first daughter. I have two younger brothers. If you understand what that means in an African home, then you already understand the pressure.

I did everything right.

I went to boarding school all my life - an all-girls boarding school. I stayed focused. I came out at the top of my class. I graduated with a first class from a private university. I completed NYSC like I was supposed to.

I did everything to make my parents proud.

And now that I’m done with school and working, I thought maybe… just maybe… I would finally have some freedom.

But instead, I feel more controlled than ever.

I currently work, mostly remotely. I only go into the office twice a week. On paper, my life should feel flexible. Easy, even.

But I’m not free.

I can’t go anywhere without asking for permission. I can’t make simple decisions without it turning into an argument. If I try to do something on my own, it becomes a problem.

My parents say the world is dangerous. They say Lagos is not safe. They say I don’t know what I’m doing and that I might ruin my life.

And sometimes, it goes further than that.

There was a time my mother called me a prostitute. A harlot. Said I had ulterior motives just because I wanted to go out more and experience life.

That moment broke something in me. Because deep down, I know they’re trying to protect me. I know it’s coming from love and fear. But I also know that I’m not a child anymore.

My friends go out. Not just to party, but to attend networking events, brunches, spaces where they meet people and grow. There’s a whole world out there that I feel locked away from.

I still have a curfew.

At 21.

I once mentioned moving out, just casually, and my father said he would send me back to the village to “remove the curse” on my head. Since then, I’ve been too scared to bring it up again.

Some of my friends say I should be grateful. That it’s a privilege to have parents who provide for me, who make life comfortable, who don’t expect me to struggle.

And I agree.

But comfort can also feel like a cage.

Because one day, my parents won’t be here forever. And I’m scared that if I don’t start building my own life now, I’ll wake up one day and realize I never truly lived it.

I have dreams.

I want to start my own business. I want to challenge myself. I want to move out, have my own space, make my own decisions, and even make my own mistakes.

But in my home, that feels almost impossible.

My father believes it’s wrong for a woman to live alone before marriage. And the truth is… I don’t even want to get married anytime soon. But I can’t say that out loud.

Because what if they disown me?

That fear is what keeps me here.

Quiet. Obedient. Stuck.

I’ve started saving money quietly. I’ve asked a few questions. I know that if I really wanted to, I could leave.

But I’m terrified. Terrified that choosing myself might mean losing my family. Terrified that if something goes wrong, I’ll have no one to run back to.

And as much as I want freedom… I also don’t want to be alone.

So now I’m here, stuck in this question:

Do I continue being the perfect African, Christian daughter — obedient, respectful, and safe? Or do I choose myself… and risk everything?

I don’t have the answer.

I just know that I’m tired of feeling like my life isn’t mine.

So I’m writing this here because maybe someone out there has been where I am.

And maybe they can tell me…

How do you choose between the life you were raised to live… and the life you actually want? To be or not to be.

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Would you stay… or would you leave?